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Martina.
Tina. Marty. Marts.
TiniTinyTina!
An iTram.
An 'IT' ram. (the jay chou of sheep)
celestial beings.
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I had a dream about many scattered islands in a land of endless sun. An orange sky and coconut trees and the sound of the gentle waves. You were with me and we were stuck together on a strip of beach.
You unequivocally brought out the worst in me. Or... if I am to be fair - being around you made me bring out the worst in myself. A natural reflex.
I tried to view you as the stranger that you are to me now. The only way to bite back the caustic thoughts that threaten to slither past my gritted teeth.
And I know I've already been poisoned. I can feel it burning in my eyes, through my veins and I know that if you hurt me now I would bleed a substance black and thick like tar.
So on this strip of beach we sit, silence crashing like waves over our heads. And maybe we both crave similar things, a spotless mind in this eternal sunshine - or perhaps a sunstroke...
But I don't hate you. I don't think I could ever properly hate anyone... Unless maybe you kill that which is most precious to me and destroy the rest of my life... no, wait - someone else already did that... and I guess in some sick way I still love her.
No, I certainly don't hate you. I want to love you in some holistic Christian way. I want to see your life shine with joy and to be there for you when the waves crash over your head without you knowing I was there. Like a ghost - your own personal angel to somehow makes sure that you're okay.
Is total selflessness truly possible? For some reason, that trait more than any other used to be something that I tried to be. Of course it didn't really work all that well, but ages and ages ago I did try. So when I watch movies like a Walk to Remember, I can't help but wonder if it's truly possible.
But of course if I still cared for you, it would by no means be a selfless act. Part of me believes that it is just me trying to prove to myself that I'm not that reflexive monster. You once said that I had a good heart. I don't think I ever really believed you, but you've never made me want anything more since then. I want to rise above it. Rise above you, the teenager I put on a pedestal all those years ago.
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Martina.
Tina. Marty. Marts.
TiniTinyTina!
An iTram.
An 'IT' ram. (the jay chou of sheep)
celestial beings.
8:11 AM, Friday, October 03, 2008
I had a dream about many scattered islands in a land of endless sun. An orange sky and coconut trees and the sound of the gentle waves. You were with me and we were stuck together on a strip of beach.You unequivocally brought out the worst in me. Or... if I am to be fair - being around you made me bring out the worst in myself. A natural reflex.
I tried to view you as the stranger that you are to me now. The only way to bite back the caustic thoughts that threaten to slither past my gritted teeth.
And I know I've already been poisoned. I can feel it burning in my eyes, through my veins and I know that if you hurt me now I would bleed a substance black and thick like tar.
So on this strip of beach we sit, silence crashing like waves over our heads. And maybe we both crave similar things, a spotless mind in this eternal sunshine - or perhaps a sunstroke...
But I don't hate you. I don't think I could ever properly hate anyone... Unless maybe you kill that which is most precious to me and destroy the rest of my life... no, wait - someone else already did that... and I guess in some sick way I still love her.
No, I certainly don't hate you. I want to love you in some holistic Christian way. I want to see your life shine with joy and to be there for you when the waves crash over your head without you knowing I was there. Like a ghost - your own personal angel to somehow makes sure that you're okay.
Is total selflessness truly possible? For some reason, that trait more than any other used to be something that I tried to be. Of course it didn't really work all that well, but ages and ages ago I did try. So when I watch movies like a Walk to Remember, I can't help but wonder if it's truly possible.
But of course if I still cared for you, it would by no means be a selfless act. Part of me believes that it is just me trying to prove to myself that I'm not that reflexive monster. You once said that I had a good heart. I don't think I ever really believed you, but you've never made me want anything more since then. I want to rise above it. Rise above you, the teenager I put on a pedestal all those years ago.
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