Alice in Wonderland - A satire.

The first thing Alice saw when she opened her eyes were the cold grey walls of the dingy little cell in which she was now being kept, no doubt, against her will. Then she remembered - she was going to be executed today.
She quickly sat up in panic, feeling the anxiety rising in her throat, threatening to make her throw up. She fought back the urge, gasping deep breaths until she was almost dizzy. Once she had calmed down a little she tried to remember the preceding events that had lead to her present predicament.
She had been after the White Rabbit! Yes... she had left her dear governess and Diana in the grassy meadow when she had seen that bizarre bunny and his enormous timepiece and had even dared to crawl into his burrow. She remembered falling and thinking of how awful it would be if she continued falling forever, thinking of how awful it would be if she continued falling forever... But as everything ends, so did the falling and so she eventually reached the very bottom.

At first the door handle had refused to let her enter. He was a difficult one, but in the end he agreed to grant her entry if she could beat him at a game of marbles. The game was long and difficult, the door handle was a good player, but in the end she beat his record of 24 points and was finally allowed through to the other side.

Lost as she was, she soon came across the Mad Hatter and the March Hare who where having afternoon tea with scones and crumpets.
'Hello', she said politely. 'I'm looking for the White Rabbit. Do you know which way he went?'
'Ah yes! Everyone who comes down this lane is in search of the White Rabbit', answered the Mad Hatter who was mixing jam into his tea.
'Indeed', agreed the Hare. 'But they don't always find him here, though he sometimes stops by every now and then. He likes tea sometimes, coffee some other times and even marmite on the rare occasion. Unfortunately we don't have coffee or marmite here. We don't believe in it.'
'How can anyone not believe in a beverage or a spread?' she asked, frowning at the strange notion. 'That's like not believing in peanut butter!'
'Oh but we don't believe in peanut butter', said the Hatter. 'Only jam, and we do have lots of it. Would you like to stay for tea? Your rabbit might come by if you stay long enough.'
It seemed like a reasonably good idea, so she agreed to stay for tea and pulled out one of the many chairs and sat down.
'One cup of tea or two?' asked the Hare, holding up three fingers in total.
'One thanks. I'll have another if I finish the first.'
'But you can always have two cups at the same time you know', said the Hatter who took a sip from a cup in his left hand after immediately sipping from one in his right.
She had chosen to ignore this information and had taken a sip out of her own cup to find that that the tea was much too hot. She promptly set it down again.
'May I have a scone please?' she then asked, indicating to a tray of scones on the other side of the table.
'Certainly not Missy!' hissed the March Hare as he leaped onto the table and took hold of the tray in both arms.
'Yes, your statement was that you would come for tea, NOT scones', agreed the Mad Hatter. 'If you want scones, you'll have to leave your seat and make another statement informing us that you want scones and your reasons for wanting them. You will also have to surrender your cup of tea.'
'But this is ridiculous! I came for tea: A meal that one takes between lunch and dinner where one does indeed have tea AND scones AND crumpets if one so wishes...'
'One must know what one wants', stated the Hare in a dignified manner. 'And since you neither know what you want nor have once spoken about the weather this entire time, I suggest you leave. This clearly isn't the right place for you.'

After that Alice had left the table and had walked off in a huff. The pair of them were quite, quite mad. She decided that she would have nothing more to do with them and proceeded on along the path despite being lost.

The next person she remembered meeting was all by himself, sitting at the top of a tree. He smiled as she came forward, waving his tail this way and that before allowing it to fade out entirely.
'Excuse me', she called. 'Mister Cat - '
'Cheshire Cat', he corrected, raising his ears.
'Oh sorry... Cheshire Cat. Would you please tell me which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a great deal on where you want to go,' he replied.
'I don't quite know where - '
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go', he said as his body started to fade out.
'But wait! Please don't go,' she said desperately. 'I need to get somewhere!'
His body reappeared.
'Oh... but you will get somewhere if you walk long enough.'
'But how will I know which road takes me where?'
'That's simple,' he replied as he once again started to fade. 'All roads lead to Rome.'
And he was gone.
Not quite finished with the conversation and wanting more explanations, she called for him again and again until he suddenly reappeared.
'Oh, you're still here,' he said when he saw her. 'Well, what do you want now?' he asked, waving his tail.
'Well... I don't want to go to Rome. I looking for the White Rabbit.'
'Ah... the Rabbit... Well, if that's the case then you know what you want. And if you know what you want, you cannot wander around these woods, so I'm sorry but I must insist that you leave. I suggest you take a left at the next corner and play a game of cricket with her Majesty the Queen of Hearts and her pet kangaroo. Good day to you.'
And he was gone, again.

Alice had chosen not to follow this new piece of advice because she had no desire to play cricket and in truth was terrified of kangaroos. So she retraced her steps and found herself back where she had found the tea party. However, she did not want to go back to that, so she decided to take her chances along another path. It was only when she saw the little door and its door handle again did she realize she was right where she stared from.

'Hello again', she said smiling. 'I was wondering if you could let me go back the other way. You see, I'm quite tired of trying to - '
'Other way? Back? No! You can't go back the other way. You did win enough to come through the door, but you didn't win high enough to go back the other way. It isn't possible.'
'No you don't understand. I need to get back. My governess will be looking for me and wondering where I've gone. And then there's Dina, she needs me to - '
'Well Poppet, you should have thought about that before you ran around chasing white rabbits, shouldn't you?'
'Yes, but - '
'No point arguing Missy. No can do. Your governess will just have to give up looking for you and go home with this Dina of yours.'
'But she wouldn't take care of Dina! She hates cats...'
For once in her life, Alice felt utterly powerless and her eyes filled up with tears.
'Where am I going to go then?' she sniffed.
'Oh... to the mad Hatter and the March Hare. The White Rabbit will stop by at some point. At least that way your sacrifices will seem worthwhile as you'll accomplish what you came here to do.'
Alice was just about to say that no accomplishment would be worth this sacrifice, when the effort suddenly seemed beyond her. What would he know anyway? He was just a door handle. He had no heart, no emotions and certainly no pets.

'Well then can you please, please let Dina come over? I'll take care of her myself. I'm sure the Mad Hatter and March Hare wouldn't mind and even Cheshire Cat - '
'No. Absolutely not!'
'Why?'
'Pets are strictly forbidden, and the Mad Hatter is horribly allergic to cats.'

It was only fifteen minutes later that the cards arrived and finally pulled a sobbing Alice away from the door. She had kicked the door repeatedly and with such violence that the thuds had echoed all around Wonderland. Unfortunately neither the door nor the door handle could be saved so the King of Hearts ordered that a new door be installed, while the Queen constantly bellow "Off with her head!" when she thought things were getting too quiet. Once the orders were given, a pair of cards had dragged her to the dungeons where she was to wait till dawn. And that was now, she realized. She was going to die this morning.

There was a stranger in the walkway, watching her through the bars of her prison. He was dressed in black from head to foot and his face was hidden in the shadow of his hood. He held his scythe in one pale hand, using the blade to idly tap his boot every now and then. The other hand lifted a little hourglass into the shadow of his hood.

'How much time left?'
NOT MUCH.
'Is it that soon?'
I HOPE SO, OR I'D BE IN THE WRONG PLACE AGAIN.
'Does that happen often?'
NO.
He sounded offended.
'Oh. Right. So... does it hurt?'
I SUPPOSE SO... SOMETIMES...
'But you don't know for sure?'
I'VE NEVER DIED.
'Really? Wow... I just assumed... you know...'
NO I DON'T KNOW. JUST BECAUSE I'M DEATH DOESN'T MEAN THAT I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS.
'Oh... I'm so sorry.'
Silence.
'So where are you going to take me?'
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GO. MY JOB IS TO MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE HERE.
I HONESTLY DON'T CARE WHERE YOU ARRIVE.
'Erm... ok. So why was I looking for the White Rabbit? Would I have found him if I hadn't killed the door?'
I DON'T HAVE A DAMN CLUE.
STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Silence.
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